When my husband and I were newly married, we had a disagreement that revealed how differently we saw the world.

It was about TV.

I loved watching TV together. After a long work day, I loved watching together. I’d get under the covers, put on a show, and invite him to join me.

Often he’d decline (the nerve!). After a few weeks of this, I was mad. This guy had just pledged to spend the rest of his life with me, but I couldn’t get him to watch TV with me?

My husband didn’t get it.

He said, “It’s just sitting there, looking at a screen together. We’re not engaging at all. Why does it matter if I’m there?”

When you put it that way, it doesn’t make sense. But in my book, watching TV next to someone I love is one of life’s greatest pleasures.

You see, I’m an introvert.

Years later, my mom would comment when the family would be together, all on our phones. We had plenty of engagement time too, but sometimes we’d enjoy just being in the same room together, each involved in our own thing.

I was thinking about this the other day because my husband and I were in the living room with our two adult kids and each of us was on our phone.

I loved it.

It’s such a feeling of cozyness for me, being with the people I love most in the world, without pressure to engage.

Because, you know, I’m an introvert.

Sometimes people are surprised when I say this. They say, “But you’re so good with people!”.

I’m not at all shy.

But I recharge my internal battery by being alone, not by being with other people. This definition of introversion and extroversion, which I first heard from Susan Cain, author of Quiet, changed everything for me.

It helped me to understand why life sometimes feels too much for me. Why I can genuinely love meeting new people but feel exhausted afterwards.

This is the power of a label. We often think labels are bad, but sometimes, a label helps us understand ourselves better. It lets us know, I’m not the only one. It gives voice to an experience we hadn’t been able to put into words.

Introvert. Extrovert. Highly Sensitive Person. Neurodivergent. Non-binary.

Such labels and categories can be so empowering.

And sometimes, they’re not.

Sometimes, we don’t quite check all the boxes of a category. We spend time wondering if we belong in that category. If we’re not like the other people in the category, we can feel even more alone.

Sometimes we put ourselves in a category that doesn’t feel empowering to us. We may use categories against ourselves, to bolster our sense that there’s something wrong with us.

The good news is, we can decide how we want to see ourselves vis-a-vis any particular category. We can use the categories that make us feel stronger and less alone, and ditch those that feel terrible.

We can add qualifiers to category words if we want. My sister thinks we’re “social introverts.” Sometimes I see myself as an ambivert (also, that’s just fun to say).

​
​This week, notice what categories you use to define yourself and check in on how the label feels. Do you feel stronger – seen, validated, understood? If you’re using certain labels against yourself, do you want to drop the label? Change it? Remind yourself that all these labels and categories are just somebody’s effort to make the world more understandable. If they work for you – great! And if not, they’re not for you. Choose your own language to describe your rich human experience. ❤️

Sometimes a label is a diagnosis, and diagnoses can also be both empowering and disempowering. In this week's podcast, I talk about my son's depression. Having the word depression is empowering, but also, my son is so much more than this word.

Episode #112: Having a Child with Depression

In this episode, I explore four things I've learned as the mother of someone with depression. I hope this episode is useful even if your child has a different mental health issue, or if the person you love with depression is not your child. I focus on ways of thinking about mental health that prioritize the human-to-human relationship with our loved one.

In this episode:

❤️ The importance of being curious about how other people think and experience the world

❤️ Why believing in someone else's future is the best gift -- especially when that person has depression

❤️ How to plan for O.P.O. (other people's opinions -- you know they're coming!)

❤️ Why people with mental health challenges can feel dehumanized and the importance of keeping relationship and humanity at the center of your awareness.

​

Love, Rachel

​

P.S. If you were forwarded this love note, sign up for your own here.

P.P.S. Do you wonder why people come to coaching? Most people who work with me want to show up in the world as their authentic selves --- to be less afraid to put themselves out there, to stop listening to the limiting voices in their head, to plan a future that expresses their truest desires (which often they aren't sure about). Tangibly, people who have worked with me have gotten better jobs, asked for (and received!) raises, improved their relationships, planned their retirement, and started businesses. To learn more, check out my signature 8-week one-on-one coaching, held over Zoom or in person, and my small group coaching program beginning August 20, over Zoom. Reach out if you have questions or want to talk further.

​

​​​​

​

​

​

​