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Remember senior pictures? In my day, they were like every other year except in senior year you wore a black drape.

When my grandmother saw mine she said, “Brooke Shields has nothing on you!” And then she added, “Well . . . from the neck up.”

Oof.

My grandma loved me fiercely, but sometimes she couldn’t stop herself from making comments.

Those comments especially stung because I heard them all the time. In the 1980s there was no shortage of messages letting girls know they should be thinner and prettier.

I carried my grandmother’s words around for decades until I finally realized I didn’t have to.

They were, after all, her thoughts – her opinions and judgments, shaped by her experiences in the world.

They don’t have to be mine.

Other people’s opinions can feel so toxic, though, can’t they? – and the ones that especially hurt confirm our deepest fears about ourselves.

I’m not attractive

I’m not smart

I’m not likeable

I’m too much

I’m not enough

Sometimes as we get older, we see the painful thoughts but still we can’t shake them. They cling to us like seaweed.

The good news is, we don’t have to shake them off. We can start by taking out their sting.

We can start by making them “sometimes thoughts” rather than “always thoughts.”

“I’m not attractive” is an always thought. If this is living in my head, I can’t just tell myself, I’m beautiful! I won’t believe it.

What might feel more possible is a thought like, “Not everyone thinks I’m attractive . . . and that’s okay,” or “Sometimes I don’t like how I look . . . and that’s okay.”

This is how we turn always thoughts into sometimes thoughts.

Doing so removes some of their sting.

If I think I’m not smart, telling myself I’m brilliant is unlikely to stick. But I can make it less absolute. “I’m not smart in all things . . . and that’s okay.”

If I think I’m too much, I can make that less absolute by telling myself, “I’m too much for some people . . . and that’s okay.”

When we practice this over time, the seaweed thoughts lose their sting and their grip and we become more able to see the truth of the counter-thoughts: Sometimes I do like how I look. Some people do think I'm attractive. I'm very smart in some ways.

This week, if you find yourself judging yourself or speaking critically to yourself, look for a way to make it less absolute. Try words like “sometimes,” or “some people.” And then add “and that’s okay,” at the end to remind yourself that your humanness is not a problem. All human beings sometimes think negatively about themselves . . . and that's really okay. And sometimes we're able to see how beautiful and amazing we are . . . . and that's really wonderful. ❤️

Turning always thoughts into sometime thoughts is a useful practice in all kinds of situations -- including during election seasons. If the election has you super stressed, you'll want to listen to this week's podcast.

Episode #111: Surviving Election Season

Are you feeling the stress of the upcoming U.S. election? Many of us are. (If you don't live in the U.S., bookmark this episode for your next election season) In it, I present the idea of a personal election protocol, a way for you to decide in advance how you want to deal with the ups and downs every election brings. How much do you want to keep up with the news? How much do you want to talk to others about politics? Making these decisions in advance goes a long way in helping us to feel less reactive to the stressors of the season.

In this episode:

✅ Understanding protocols and why they're so useful for our mental well-being

✅ Why you probably want more than one protocol for the election season

✅ Questions to help you develop your protocol -- including the most important question to ask yourself

✅ How to invite in feelings such as commitment and hope, even if you feel despair

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Love, Rachel

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P.S. If you've been considering working with me, here's a loving reminder that you don't need to wait another day to feel better about yourself, your life, and your future. Right now, there are two ways for us to work together: My signature 8-week one-on-one coaching, held over Zoom or in person, and my small group coaching program beginning August 20, over Zoom. Reach out for a free consultation to see if coaching with me is a good fit for you. If neither feels right for you right now, binge the podcast. It will help -- I promise!

P.P.S. If you were forwarded this love note, sign up for your own here.

I'm taking a class on Instagram! I've been feeling so negative about IG (so. many. bots!) but now my feelings are starting to change -- it's exciting! If you're not following me there, please do, as I'm going to start posting there more.

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