How do the painful things that happen in our life become part of us? And how can we shape their influence on us, so we emerge stronger, more soulful, deeper?

This is really it, isn’t it?

Sometimes we wish painful experiences wouldn’t affect us, that we could just continue on, being our beautiful selves, untouched. But we also know that the hard things we’ve made it through are part of our history, part of who we are.

We put our experiences in their places when we tell our story.

I’ve been thinking about this because this week is the third anniversary of my mother’s death – her yahrzeit, in the Jewish tradition.

Yesterday, I was at the Indian grocery, buying mango powder and tamarind.

I hadn’t remembered how close we were to the beginning of February. I wasn’t thinking about the anniversary. I thought I just felt like going to the Indian grocery. I want to make a recipe from the Burma Superstar cookbook I got from the library.

But unpacking my chutney and jaggery, I remembered. The Indian cooking. The date.

My mother died unexpectedly. To say it was shocking and traumatic does not do justice to my experience. I got through it, day by day, minute by minute. At night I took comfort in television from my childhood, The Love Boat, Magnum PI. It demanded nothing from me.

Friends brought meals and other comforts. My dear Indian-American friend brought vegetarian food from her kitchen (Indian food is among my favorites, as is this friend). A few weeks later, I decided I would use this time to learn to make Indian food.

If you’re thinking that I learned how to make delicious Indian food and made something good from something very bad, I’ll tell you now – that didn’t happen.

I put things in my cart and asked my friend about them. I ordered spices and waited for them to come in the mail. I must have cooked some things, but honestly, I remember none of it.

What I remember is my friends bringing me meals. I remember watching Magnum because Tom Selleck reminded me of my dad. I remember the comfort of the smells of the spices. I remember the connection with my friend as I asked her questions over texts.

There was nothing good about my mother’s passing. Anything I’ve gained since, I would gladly give back to have more time with her.

And yet.

I see so clearly now how my beautiful, wise system found ways to connect me to life, even as I was overwhelmed with death. My system led me to childhood comforts and to connections with my parents, my friends, and my own self. At a time when I might have stayed disconnected from my body (who would blame me?), my inner knowing sent me cumin and turmeric to find my way back.

I celebrate that 2021 version of me who didn’t question any of it, who just gave herself what she needed to get through.

A few months later, I decided to be a life coach, to honor my mother’s life by living my own fully, not saving anything for a “someday” that might never come. It was a significant investment and for once, I didn’t overthink it.

It is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Of all the stories I could tell about this time, this is what I’ve chosen: Even after her death, my mother still gave her gifts to me. I am more authentically myself than I was three years ago.

It doesn’t make it “worth it” that she died, it doesn’t diminish the awfulness of that time – and yet, it makes it not only that.

This is one of the superpowers of getting older – the ability to see that experiences are not only one thing. They can be so painful at the time and yet, as we age we may be able to transform them into being not only that.

A friend remembers that her divorce was so painful but not only that, it made it possible for her to meet her beloved.

Another friend remembers that her diagnosis was so terrible but not only that, it was the beginning of her new purpose of helping others through diagnosis and treatment.

See if you can identify things in your past that were difficult but not only that – because you got through, because they shaped beautiful, soulful you. Maybe in the past you haven’t always appreciated your own strength and grace, but perhaps you can choose to see it now. You got through. You can wish it had been different. But not only that, it is part of your soulful, strong, quirky, loving, compassionate self.

This week, if you notice places where you have all-or-nothing thinking, see if you can open up to not just that thinking. For example:

I feel nervous about my new responsibilities at work,and not just that, I feel excited at the thought of being a leader.

I feel overwhelmed with work and family responsibilities, and not just that, I’m proud of myself for learning to say yes only to things I really want to do.

I feel worried about my aging parents and not just that, the situation is giving me the opportunity to set boundaries with them.

Even if the not just that part feels small, acknowledge it, welcome it, nurture it. What we give our attention to, expands, and seeing yourself and your life in all its fullness is one powerful way to embrace your beautifully full humanness. ❤️

One place to counter all-or-nothing thinking is in finding our purpose. Often we envision purpose as something singular and special, something we’ll discover fully-formed ("I'm meant to be a cartoonist!"), rather than something we decide after experimentation. In this week’s episode, I explore a different way to think about purpose. Take a listen and let me know what resonates!

Episode #87: Find Your Purpose

We all want to feel like our lives have meaning, joy, and a sense of purpose but we don't always know how to find these things. In this episode I offer new ways of thinking about purpose -- ways that make it easier, more fun, and more possible to find -- and choose -- our purpose.

Listen here

Love, Rachel

P.S. We took our daughter back to college last weekend and I didn't get an email out. So I didn't tell you about episode #86, The Art of Experimentation. When you see your life as an experiment, rather than a pass/fall exam, so much more becomes possible. Listen here.

P.P.S. For those in my hemisphere, this is a good time to remind you that this month every day brings about 2 more minutes of daylight than the day before. By mid-February, we'll get about 3 more minutes of daylight each day. ☀️

⭐ I love being connected to you ⭐